What People Don't Talk About

Miscarriage.

A word that people tend to tiptoe around whenever they hear it. For me, it started on a Tuesday afternoon. It was my first ever scan at 12 weeks of pregnancy and I was all kinds of feelings. The first sign that things weren't all it should be was when the lady who was scanning me went all quiet when she first saw the sonogram. I remember looking at her and searching her face for any kind of news, but she was squinting hard at the picture in front of her, as if looking for a needle in a haystack. Eventually, we got our news.

The foetus was only measuring at 6 weeks along with no signs of heartbeat (as it was too small). Due to my long period cycle, me and Mr Husband was only expecting a 10 weeks gestation. The result of the scan was a blow to our earlier jovial excitement. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the moment. 

We weren't given any confirmation regarding the progress of the pregnancy, so we were asked to come back for another scan in 2 weeks time. Mr Husband was devastated. On the drive back, he was already talking about making plans for the worst case scenario. I blanched at the thought, yet tried to keep a sense of optimism even if I felt like crying. I had only begun to come to terms with the pregnancy and to have it taken away from me like this was awful. 

The house was quiet that night.

And on Wednesday, I started bleeding. 

I tried to keep it to myself initially. Between the two of us, Mr Husband was the worst one off in taking the news. I didn't want to upset him any more than necessary. I was already making plans in my head to go see the midwife the next morning by myself. But by night time, the bleeding got worse and I started getting awful stomach cramps (which I found out later was actually contractions) that had me struggling for breath. This did not go by unnoticed by Mr Husband, so I had to finally confess to him the whole truth. 

When he insisted that we go to A&E immediately, I finally broke down. There was no sense in keeping my optimism any longer. I was about to lose my pregnancy and it was devastating to come to terms with. 

It's been a week now since then, and I am still being managed by the hospital for incomplete miscarriage. It's still a bitter pill to swallow and I don't think I've fully grieved the loss yet. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied so that I'd stop thinking about the loss. I've tried talking to a few friends about it and everyone tried to be understanding but I don't think they fully comprehend these feelings of loss. I mean... how do you grieve for something that never was? And yet it was there. The pregnancy was there with me for 3 months, and I had built my futures around it. And when it's not there any more, I feel lost. The one comfort that I take with me every night is that I still have Mr Husband, and for that I am always grateful. 

Hello 2012!

Hello.

How have you been?

I'm fine, thank you.

Sorry it's been awhile.

Can't believe it's already 2012. I'll be 27 this year. Damn. That's old. My mother had me when she was 27 years and 6 months. I am 26 years and 7 months at the time of writing this and I'm definitely sure there's no bun in my oven.

Heh.

*shrugs*

My 2 years wedding anniversary is coming up and I must admit that I've been yearning in jealousy seeing my friends who had gotten married after me, now happily minding their own children. I want babies. I do. I do. And here I was thinking that I'd never come to a point of wanting to start a family. Mr Husband has been at that 'point' for a long time now and I must say that I'm grateful that he has been patiently waiting for me to get there.

So... am I there yet? Well. Let's just say that I see the meeting point and I can see Mr Husband waving at me from that point. I no longer need a telescope to see that point. Maybe still need my glasses... but that's just me being blind.

The bottom line is this: I've set a date to meet Mr Husband on that proverbial 'point'. And I'm trying my best to get myself sorted and tick off what's left on my 'To Do Before I Have Children' list. But it's not a black-and-white thing. I just made it up in my head as I'm writing this.

And while I'm at it... any 2012 resolutions?

Hmmm... I'll get back to you soon on that.

See you soon!

A Country Life

I'm sorry that I've been lazy. And I'm really sorry if you're still waiting for me to start writing about my wedding day for... ooooohh... urmmm... (uncomfortable silence)... (crickets chirping).... (counting my fingers to see if I've got 10 of 'em)... heh. *sheepish* Let's say it's been awhile. But I must congratulate you if you're still here and reading this! 

Here. Have a cake! I made it myself!

But to be honest. My life is boring at the moment. I'm bored. And maybe I am just making excuses for myself here but life in the UK is not as glamorous as people would've expected. Especially if said life involves being a full-time housewife/part-time student.

Plus, Mr Husband and I had just moved counties. We are now proud residents of Crewe Town! See how I wrote (town) and not (city). Liverpool is a city. Crewe is an ant crushed under the weight of a giant cookie of Liverpool. I could walk from one end of town to the other in an hour - if I brisk walk. It's definitely a country life here. There's a farm on the way to Mr Husband's hospital where I can go and feed the cows. But I suppose I should be thankful that it's not as country as a place with no supermarket. At least here if I get bored, I'd go to Morrisons and see what food I can deprive of myself today (*hint* I'm on a diet *end hint*). 

But the point here is that Crewe is small. And this translates to having less things to entertain me. On a good day, maybe I'd take a walk with Mr Husband to hospital. And maybe I'd go running for a bit. And maybe I'd take a stroll through the town center and just soak up the bustle of people doing their chores. Or maybe I'd go home, clean-up the house, do some laundry, fold more laundry, do some studying and cook dinner. And maybe at the end of a good day, I'd take a walk to the hospital and wait for Mr Husband to finish his shift and I'd sigh in relief that I have somebody else to talk to again. 

But to be completely and brutally honest? On a normal day, I'd sit in my pajamas at home and play Cityville on Facebook. That's how unglamorous my life is at the moment but I'm trying to push for a ratio of 7:3 of good vs normal days. I'm trying to be a bit more productive here so maybe you'll be seeing me blogging more!

Who knows?

I've settled in to life in Liverpool for a good 7 months now. (Time flies!)

And in that time-span: 

(other that the usual upkeep of the house and general welfare of Mr Husband and I)

• I've re-organised this entire flat twice. 
• Baked 4 party-sized cakes (and consume them by my lonesome)
• Enrolled for ACCA classes
• Went to said ACCA classes
• Sat for said ACCA exams
• Grown 4 herb plants (of which 1 died and the rest are in the process of dieing)
• Had a family (the In-Laws) trip to Paris 
• Still actively petitioning for a cat pet with Mr Husband
• Barely runs ... hence consequential weight gain.

My exams were done 2 weeks ago to this day. And now I am bored. OUT OF MY MIND! 

So you can imagine why suddenly I am (not only) updating this blog but managed to get a new layout as well. I've picked up running again - although my fitness is too questionable for me to be proud of. And I was playing a lot of Guitar Hero on Mr Husband's Xbox when I first finished my exams... which ended with me having numb fingers for a few days - thus resulting to me stopping that particular activity. 

Plus, I am turning two-oh-six (*shhh... don't say it out loud!) on Monday and I am dreading it. I've never dread getting older as much I am right now. It's not just a mere number anymore. It's a case-in-point that I'm leaving my early twenties behind and encroaching on *GULP!* the big three-oh! (*shhh!!!)

Yes. I'm freaking out. I've never been much of a freak-out person but I'm freaking out for this. I'm hoping that baking a cake would tempt me to be complacent at least for awhile. Or am I just being irrational here?

A year ago...

(Sorry! I'm still procrastinating and can't make up my mind on a new blog template. In the mean time, read on dear readers.... )

Exactly this time of year 365days ago, I was in Labuan on an outstation job with approx 3 weeks to go to my day. Yeah... you would've thought that I'd be nostalgic about my own wedding day but I had tons of fun during those 2 weeks in Labuan. 

My job was very much stress-free and on the clock 9 - 5 (very different to what I'd have to face on my usual assignments). I was staying in a nice hotel room FoC. Went running at the beach almost every evening. Cheap chocolates. Good companies. Good times. And the stress of the wedding day was out of my mind.

A year on, I'll be starting classes tomorrow. The weather here in Liverpool is chilly and dreary at times, but I'm just thankful that we've seen more bright sunny days than gloomy ones. I don't run as often as I'd like to anymore, but chocolates here are still cheap. (hee...) Less socializing and less friends here but I don't mind because I'm happily married and (finally!) together with dear Mr Husband.