What People Don't Talk About

Miscarriage.

A word that people tend to tiptoe around whenever they hear it. For me, it started on a Tuesday afternoon. It was my first ever scan at 12 weeks of pregnancy and I was all kinds of feelings. The first sign that things weren't all it should be was when the lady who was scanning me went all quiet when she first saw the sonogram. I remember looking at her and searching her face for any kind of news, but she was squinting hard at the picture in front of her, as if looking for a needle in a haystack. Eventually, we got our news.

The foetus was only measuring at 6 weeks along with no signs of heartbeat (as it was too small). Due to my long period cycle, me and Mr Husband was only expecting a 10 weeks gestation. The result of the scan was a blow to our earlier jovial excitement. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the moment. 

We weren't given any confirmation regarding the progress of the pregnancy, so we were asked to come back for another scan in 2 weeks time. Mr Husband was devastated. On the drive back, he was already talking about making plans for the worst case scenario. I blanched at the thought, yet tried to keep a sense of optimism even if I felt like crying. I had only begun to come to terms with the pregnancy and to have it taken away from me like this was awful. 

The house was quiet that night.

And on Wednesday, I started bleeding. 

I tried to keep it to myself initially. Between the two of us, Mr Husband was the worst one off in taking the news. I didn't want to upset him any more than necessary. I was already making plans in my head to go see the midwife the next morning by myself. But by night time, the bleeding got worse and I started getting awful stomach cramps (which I found out later was actually contractions) that had me struggling for breath. This did not go by unnoticed by Mr Husband, so I had to finally confess to him the whole truth. 

When he insisted that we go to A&E immediately, I finally broke down. There was no sense in keeping my optimism any longer. I was about to lose my pregnancy and it was devastating to come to terms with. 

It's been a week now since then, and I am still being managed by the hospital for incomplete miscarriage. It's still a bitter pill to swallow and I don't think I've fully grieved the loss yet. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied so that I'd stop thinking about the loss. I've tried talking to a few friends about it and everyone tried to be understanding but I don't think they fully comprehend these feelings of loss. I mean... how do you grieve for something that never was? And yet it was there. The pregnancy was there with me for 3 months, and I had built my futures around it. And when it's not there any more, I feel lost. The one comfort that I take with me every night is that I still have Mr Husband, and for that I am always grateful. 

Hello 2012!

Hello.

How have you been?

I'm fine, thank you.

Sorry it's been awhile.

Can't believe it's already 2012. I'll be 27 this year. Damn. That's old. My mother had me when she was 27 years and 6 months. I am 26 years and 7 months at the time of writing this and I'm definitely sure there's no bun in my oven.

Heh.

*shrugs*

My 2 years wedding anniversary is coming up and I must admit that I've been yearning in jealousy seeing my friends who had gotten married after me, now happily minding their own children. I want babies. I do. I do. And here I was thinking that I'd never come to a point of wanting to start a family. Mr Husband has been at that 'point' for a long time now and I must say that I'm grateful that he has been patiently waiting for me to get there.

So... am I there yet? Well. Let's just say that I see the meeting point and I can see Mr Husband waving at me from that point. I no longer need a telescope to see that point. Maybe still need my glasses... but that's just me being blind.

The bottom line is this: I've set a date to meet Mr Husband on that proverbial 'point'. And I'm trying my best to get myself sorted and tick off what's left on my 'To Do Before I Have Children' list. But it's not a black-and-white thing. I just made it up in my head as I'm writing this.

And while I'm at it... any 2012 resolutions?

Hmmm... I'll get back to you soon on that.

See you soon!

I've settled in to life in Liverpool for a good 7 months now. (Time flies!)

And in that time-span: 

(other that the usual upkeep of the house and general welfare of Mr Husband and I)

• I've re-organised this entire flat twice. 
• Baked 4 party-sized cakes (and consume them by my lonesome)
• Enrolled for ACCA classes
• Went to said ACCA classes
• Sat for said ACCA exams
• Grown 4 herb plants (of which 1 died and the rest are in the process of dieing)
• Had a family (the In-Laws) trip to Paris 
• Still actively petitioning for a cat pet with Mr Husband
• Barely runs ... hence consequential weight gain.

My exams were done 2 weeks ago to this day. And now I am bored. OUT OF MY MIND! 

So you can imagine why suddenly I am (not only) updating this blog but managed to get a new layout as well. I've picked up running again - although my fitness is too questionable for me to be proud of. And I was playing a lot of Guitar Hero on Mr Husband's Xbox when I first finished my exams... which ended with me having numb fingers for a few days - thus resulting to me stopping that particular activity. 

Plus, I am turning two-oh-six (*shhh... don't say it out loud!) on Monday and I am dreading it. I've never dread getting older as much I am right now. It's not just a mere number anymore. It's a case-in-point that I'm leaving my early twenties behind and encroaching on *GULP!* the big three-oh! (*shhh!!!)

Yes. I'm freaking out. I've never been much of a freak-out person but I'm freaking out for this. I'm hoping that baking a cake would tempt me to be complacent at least for awhile. Or am I just being irrational here?

Settling In

Settling in to Mr Hubby's apartment and coming up with our very own living arrangement - esp after being years apart - was definitely something to get used to. Especially when said Mr Hubby has been living a bachelor life in the said apartment for the past 6.5 years. For me, that also meant 6.5 years of mess to clean-up! 

So while Mr Hubby are off at work, I got down and dirty and spent a good part of 2 weeks(!!) cleaning up the place. This meant overhauling all storage spaces and reorganizing it, scrubbing down the kitchen and toilet, throw out old furnitures, donate a bunch of old clothes and shoes, and recycling just so so so much paperworks! But it's a well-worth effort really, and now that the place are all spruce up, both of us have been discussing of investing further in changing the wallpapers and windows, and installing a new bathroom in. So those are a few DIY projects coming up later this year.

We've also been doing some furniture shopping at IKEA with our biggest purchase being this new dining table set:

However, lugging it up 3 flights of stairs was not fun at all. (There was definitely much swearing going on on my part.) Originally we made plans to set-up the table together BUT on one boring afternoon (after all other chores are done) I decided to tackle the table myself. Heh.

The man in the manual seems just as confused as I am.

*cue psycho soundtrack* My weapon of choice.

My (would-be) victims.

The crime scene.

Ok. It wasn't that hard to do actually and I've always liked DIY-ing but the multiple hand-eye coordinations and the balancing act required to assemble this ONE chair took me ages to finish! But of course, in the economies of scale of things there is also the economies of skills. Or what normal people would've said that I learnt from experience and the next 3 chairs and a table took me just about 30 minutes to do.

VOILA!

The complete set.

We're lacking some candid

There was this instance a week before my wedding where Kak Wanie had asked to have some pictures of me and Mr Hubby together to put-up at our guest book corner and my reaction was like.. "Ummm..." 

I had to physically pause and rack my brain because throughout our LDR, we very seldom take much pictures together. And it doesn't help that he's so camera shy and he doesn't approve of my cam-whoring ways!

Now the wedding have come and gone, and we've taken hundreds (maybe thousands?) of pictures together. But there is still a sense of something lacking in the pictures because I realized that when both of us are all made-up and glam-up in our bride and groom attires, it doesn't scream US. It's lacking that chemistry and natural candidness that only comes out when we're together in our own private space. And I can't point my finger on whether it was the occasion itself or maybe the lack of spontaneity in the photographer's picture-taking skills but 8 months down the road I am left with feeling unfulfilled. 

So when I heard that Udey Ismail will be coming up to UK next April for a tour, I messaged him straight away to check his available dates in Liverpool. I've always loved his work, and I would love to work with him in a photography session. And April being Springtime(hopefully), there will be some gorgeous landscape that we can work on. It's still a long way away, and at the moment, the package is a bit costly for  just the two of us so I'm trying to manipulate it to a family photography session instead. But Mr Hubby still need tons of convincing....

A Long Time Coming

Sorry been MIA for awhile but I've good news!

The MR & MRS are finally TOGETHER!

God's willing, my visa came through relatively fast on the 20th of October (ie 7 days!) despite all the dramas that went down in the application process. You've no idea how excited I was when I finally had my passport and visa in hand. I was just so glad that the road for us to be together are finally cleared and all that's keeping me away now is that one-way air ticket to Liverpool.

Thanks to Air Asia X, I managed to grab a reasonable deal to fly into London Stanstead on 12th November. That gave me a reasonable 3 weeks between the day I got my visa to the day I leave the country. However, another bump in my plans was to get a tax clearance letter from the IRB. Bargh!!! I'm 2 weeks into my stay in Liverpool and I've yet to get that sorted! I've done my bits of the process at the IRB branch office before I left, but getting feedbacks from them just take ages! At least the follow-up process I can get my mum to do it for me. (Thank you mummy!)

But other than that, life has been good. The 2 weeks leading up to my departure was filled with dinner plans with a bunch of my ex-colleagues and friends. And I only started packing 2 days before because... well, I'm just too laid-back like that. (*winks*) A bunch of hugs and tears and goodbyes and 13-hours of  (surprisingly comfortable) flying time later, I'm in chilly London!!

Seasons Greeting from Manchester Christmas Market!!

Waiting to be His Wife

I thought I'd share about my current status as a wife, now that I've been married for 6 months. (^__^)

It's no secret that Mr Hubby currently resides and work in the UK, and I am here in Malaysia - which basically makes this an LDM (long-distance marriage). It wasn't much of a sacrifice in the beginning since both of us have a mutual understanding that I have some work commitments to take care of, which meant that I can't join him in the UK a.s.a.p. But I've been commitment free for the past one month now, and this also means that I can finally join him in the UK for good! 

Gosh... this has been something that I've been waiting for - to be with him in person - for the past 3 years! (Yes. LDR sucks.) Now... to get over that minor speed bump called 'visa'. 

Now, under United Kingdom's visa rule, Mr Hubby currently holds a Tier 4 General Student Visa. (Why he is still classified as a student despite already working? God knows...) And in order for me to join him there, I need to apply for a Tier 4 Dependent Visa. Basically, this visa allows me to be in the UK piggybacking on Mr Hubby's visa AS LONG AS my application meets a few requirements. The UK Border Agency's website have some pretty extensive FAQ here.

Application for a UK visa from Malaysia needs to be made directly with the visa agency, VFS instead of the British Consulate. VFS website has been very useful in providing step-by-step guidelines on how to make an application IF you know exactly which visa you should be applying for. If (like me) you're not so sure, the UK Border Agency's website is still the best point of reference.

Once everything is in order, you can arrange for an appointment with VFS online OR you can just drop in to their office at Menara MCA (Jln Ampang). The difference is that, with an appointment, you can basically skip the waiting game but you can still make an application with/without a prior appointment.

In my experience, you can have the best application form and all the supporting documents in the world but that does not guarantee you to make an application on the day itself. As VFS is only an agency, they will go through your application and your original supporting documents with you and advice you whether you can or cannot make an application on the day itself. They are NOT in the position to give an opinion.

I had to go through VFS people 4 TIMES(!!) before I can submit my application. And within that 4 visits, 4 weeks has passed... the visa fees had been revised upwards... Mr Hubby had to courier 3 sets of documents to me on 3 separate occasions because every time I go and see the VFS people, they'd ask for 3 different documents. 

Yes. It is very frustrating indeed especially when I've been making plans to join Mr Hubby sooner rather than later. And every time I visit VFS, that plan kept postponing. But thank God, 4th times the charm and now it's just a matter of a waiting game.... waiting for my application to be approve within the next 5 to 15 days!!

Here's to hoping (and praying) that things will OK in the near future.